I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
