she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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