Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
