Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
