My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
