he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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