WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
