guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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