every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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