porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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