im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
