So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
as a side note pls kill me
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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