So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
