I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
