I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
