I didn't shave. On purpose
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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