I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Who died my cat blue again?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
