i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
