He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
