For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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