1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
When are your genitals available?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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