She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
