Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
