Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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