The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Randomize
