That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
