i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
