Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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