totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
