I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
