then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
