i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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