First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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