Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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