yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
