she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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