they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
