i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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