When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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