I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize