God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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