the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We are two peas in an std pod
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
