Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
