I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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