I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize