the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
