Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
