who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
