why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
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