At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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