Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I party with great urgency now.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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