I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
