I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
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