He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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