Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
