those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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