I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
