The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Everyone says I win the strip club
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize