haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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