Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize