he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
