woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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